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eeeeek all the information about Peru arrived today and i have to say im absolutely terrified! i know im going to majorly mess up getting on the right plane or getting my luggage or not being able to see the person whose collecting me. then once i get there i will probably mess up getting to the right room, making friends, making any difference to the orphanage and school at all, and i probably wont be able to control the school children. on top of that i will probably get mugged or lost in the shanty town! arghhh!

wow, everyone knows how to make a girl feel unwanted. i know individually its not anyones fault at all, but collectively it has really depressed me. i really wanted to go out on my birthday but no one seems to be free...at all...ever. im majorly starting to get the hint!

house mates are all going home apart from claire
lozz is in stoke, cant afford to come home
charlottes apparently seeing phil
catherines got a cold (dont blame her)
gabbys working
jakes in leicester
rob will come out but only if his bf of 2 weeks can come. no offence but i didnt fucking well invite him, ive never met him, and y would i wanna give him my drink, let him in my house and give him a lift?! let alone buy him a meal! its really fucked me off. i said to rob couldnt it just be ppl i actually know and he played a major guilt trip on me saying "oh well i just wont see dave for 2 weeks then". i told him to forget it.

looks like it will just be me chris n claire on my bday. and at this rate im sure chris will drop out. would ask more people but whats the point?

as if that wasnt enough my cousins wedding is on the same day so thats all my parents are talking about. hello, im turning 20 over here, all i want is a tiny bit of excitement, not a whole day of attention or anything...just 10 minutes maybe. erg.

I know that when i tell stories about what has happened to me people always think im exaggerating...but im really not...so heres three more true stories for my memory...

The OCD mistake

Our house is skank and we somehow ran out of cleaning products even though we never clean which is quite mysterious. i needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up loaaaaaaaads of stuff for kenya like maleria tablets, extra insulin, extra jabs etc so i said i would pop into tesco whilst i was in egham. At the pharmacy they gave me everything in a massive bag which i grabbed off the counter because i thought i was going to be late to pick up charlotte from uni. it was at this point i realised i hadnt yet gone to tescos so i ran in, with my big pharmacy bag, and practically sprinted towards the cleaning isle. i had forgotten to get a basket so i was carrying: sponges, detol, cillit bang, bleach, washing up liquid, detol air spray, kitchen roll...everything needed to ensure a clean home. i even knocked quite a lot of bleach off the shelf looking for a good brand! i dumped all this on the counter and looked up. it seemed that quite a few people were watching my escapade. the guy at the counter eyed up my bag, my flustered face and my cleaning products and said "errrr are you ok?" "yes yes im fine" i said, annoyed at the time he was taking to scan it all through "must clean!!" outside i realised he probably thought i had ocd or something!

The grave gate mistake
i went to the health centre to see the doctor coz he wanted to put me on the insulin im already on (god knows why) and i agreed to meet claire outside after she was done in the library. unfortunately there was some confusion and she went home so i was waiting outside...in the rain for like 45 mins. the slag! so i walked home. pretty uneventful. until i got to the gate in the graveyard. there were about 5 kids standing in front of the gate holding it closed...probably only about 5 or 6 years old. "excuse me" i said "i need to get home". "YOU AINT GETTING THROUGH" they shouted at me. unsure of what to do i tried to move one of the little boys out of the way. he fell over. it looked like i pushed him. is friend hit me with his scooter presumably for revenge. "CUM 'ERE" the pikey mum shouted from halfway across the graveyard. i wasnt sure if she was shouting at the kids for being naughty or me for pushing over her son so i ran.

The blood test mistake
I went to the health centre, again, to get a blood test done. now i get really nervous when i have to have this done...i start feeling really sick and going really sweaty and feeling like im going to pass out, so i was relieved when they said i could go straight in. they told me to lie down but i thought that would make me more nervous so i sat in the chair. i didnt watch anything she did because it makes me feel worse, but i felt her poking my vein for aaaages and i felt the needle go in. just as she needled me a really fit guy came in to have blood taken. seeing my face of pain he stopped at the door and didnt walk in. it was at this point that the vile that was filling up with blood shot off the end of the needle and landed at his feet. imagine the situation - fit guy, bottle of my blood shoots off my arm and practically hits him. i think that made him nervous. it certainly made me nervous. now the rest was all fine, the needle came out the tie came off my arm and i was told to elevate it. i was free to leave! im not sure what happened next but i was kinda walking past the fit guy and i gave him a smile when i noticed my arm felt weird. i was only wearing a tshirt so i rubbed it and pretty much straight away a massive spurt of blood splatted out. i screamed. fit guy stared. the nurses ran out and took me back in the room saying not to worry but i would probably pass out. not the news i wanted to hear. anyway everything was fine and now im home! i just keep seeing it fly off my arm and his horrified face in my mind.

ok so getting locked out with the key is bad, but getting locked out and thinking everyone else who lives there has gone home is worse. we only went out for dunkers and crisps which should have taken literally 5 mins but when we arrived home we realised that no one had bought a key or a phone (apart from gabby)! We rang gabbys mum to see how much a locksmith would cost...apparently its about £150....we tried to open the door with sticks, wire, a peg and a coat hanger borrowed from the girl down the road. in the end we decided we needed a thin person to post through the letter box...i mean through the bathroom window. we pounced on katie as she walked past but she said she would have to bend in a funny way and declined the offer. then charlotte piped up (about the school kids) "if you see a good one, just do it!". we thought that this might get someone arrested for child molestation! eventually, after chasing 2 police round englefield green, spying for thin kids and trying to hook the handle with a coat hanger, all of which took over 2 hours we saw fay walking down the road! The end!

It was a sunday afternoon and i was attempting to do the ironing. i hate ironing so i was trying to do it as fast as possible. i think this was my downfall. i went to get a pile of clothes from my room and rushed back to the ironing board. with a mound of clothes in front of my face i couldnt really see where i was going, and subsequently tripped over the wire of the iron. it would have been fine if i didnt drop the clothes and grab onto the ironing board which then collapsed. in slow motion the iron fell into the new carpet which the parents had bought less than a month before. i scrabbled around to pick it up but i was tied up in the wire and under a pile of clothes. when i did eventually pick it up i realised that this was a large scale tragedy. the hot iron had melted the carpet, and burnt it...and burnt the edge of a top. i was not happy. neither were the parents. and that explains why there is a strange bit in the middle of the carpet, and why i should never have to iron again!

so its 3:37 and next door have their music on. ok so its not excessively late but this has happened for the past 3 nights...and theyve only been living there three days! we dont hear a peep out of them all day, but at 12 on the dot they decide it will be fun to put "the egg" on some massive bass-y speakers, shout at each other and throw up rather loudly. their obnoxious beaty tunes are drilling their way through my head, as is their constant shouting in some unknown language. fair enough we had a house warming party, but it was one night and we didnt use fat off speakers at any point. i cant even hear my own music playing! argh! be considerate people! be CONSIDERATE!

last saturday we decided to have a small house warming gathering to celebrate moving into what is now known as magna palace. the day started around 12 when a group of us went into egham to purchase supplies. on a student budget, and with me still not having a loan, this was not much. i think we ended up with value vodka, lambrini and value crisps...24 for £1!! we then met catherine and jack at the station and walked back to the house where we mulled around until more people arrived.

at 8:00 there was still no one at the house, but catherine and myself had been busy drinking, in my case 3 pints of lambrini, the liquid cheese, on an empty stomach. it then seemed like a good idea to dance around the living room to a selection of old music and take about a million pictures. Charlotte was hovering in the doorway saying 'you guys are out of it' and shaking her head.

after about 8:30, more people arrived but catherine, who had continued to drink, needed sobering up so we went to the chip shop. here we met james and headed back. there was actually quite a good turn out...including several people from home and two 16 year olds who had tried to break into our house when we got locked out with the key! quincy also showed up which made the night all the more interesting.

everyone was mingeling and drinking, several people were wasted. charlotte cranked the music up causing the fuses to blow. quincy pounced.

the nights quite a blur due to the copious amounts of alcohol, the time it has taken me to write this, and also the fact that i didnt really mingle that much. some highlights of the evening were:

robbys drink...a mix of rum, coke, tequila, and tropical malibu which nearly knocked me out when i sniffed it the next morning

phils "i havnt had much of a childhood" speech due to his claim that he tried to kill someone...aged 9...and had only just come out of prison

quincys "my mum fancies you" speech...needless to say i was quite confused

people covering me in clothes pegs

needing chips at 1 in the morning and eating them with a bunch of kingswood freshers who i had never met before...one of which, if i remember correctly had a giant inflatable penis

bouncing on the bed

claire pretending to be sick

grape throwing

the conversation the next morning which went something like:
me "whats that buzzing"
robby "matts shaving his head"
me "ok" ....10 minute pause "wait...whys matt shaving his head here?!?!!"

the night ended with public nudity on the stairs which prompted me to call a taxi for the offender. blatent unammusement. if anyone else remembers anything feel free to comment it...

the next day i walked catherine and jack back to the station. it was raining really heavily so i decided to wait for the bus. after waiting for 45 minutes a chinese girl, who for arguments sake we will call 'ping', started talking to me, asking when the next bus was and stuff. it was pretty bizzare...she offered me polos, half a ham sandwitch, a snickers bar...and then walked me to my front door with her umbrealla as i was moaning about getting wet. bless her!

at this moment in time i have no loan. no conformation letter. i dont even know how much im sposed to be getting.

i decided to try and track its progress online. unfortunately the mother listed 6 possible passwords. it seems she keeps all the passwords and just forgets what they are used for! i enter the first one. its wrong. so are the second and third. i enter the fourth and guess what "you have been locked out of your account, please call the student finance team to resolve the issue"

i call the student finance team. "the student finance team is incredably busy. if you have a problem you need resolving please use the student finance website". "i would" i shout down the phone "but the fucker locked me out". i ring four more times. the fourth time someone answers!

"hi how can i help you? the phonelines are incredably busy so we are trying to deal with important calls"

i decide not having a loan is kind of important.

"oh hi yeah ive locked myself out of the website and i need to track my student loan because im not sure if im getting one!"

"right, can i direct you to the student loan website at www.studentfinancedirect.co.uk"

"errr you could but it would be pointless coz it locked me out!"

"go to the website and follow the insturctions!"

"it told me to ring you!!!"

"thank you for your enquiry! bye bye"

"what?!?!!? noooooooooo!!! help meeeeeeeee!!!!"

(she puts the phone down)

Retards i tell you! utter retards!

actually i like the lyrics to most of jojs songs...here are 2...when i am queen and strawberry gashes. sometimes they sum up how i feel even tho they are irrelevant...sometimes they dont :) look at me sounding like the manic depressive...honest im not!

When I am queen I will exist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you

When I am queen sweet girlscout's face and not a one will fall from grace
If all their hearts I could replace, but until then I'll have to...

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself

When I am queen on royal throne made out of parts of broken bones
of all the devils I have known that suck the angels dry

When I am queen I'll have my way I'll make it drowning dollie day
and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself

Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby go to sleep
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby I'll make it be

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too

When I am queen they all will see the patron saint of self-injury
the glitter sores will heal themselves I'll play the part of someone else

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself

Turn her over
A candle is lit
I see through her
blow it out and save all her ashes for me
Curse me
Sold her
The poison that runs its course through her
pale white skin with strawberry gashes
all over - all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over

Called her over
and asked her if she was improving
she said feels fine it's wonderful
- wonderful here
Hex me
Told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
pale white skin with strawberry gashes
all over
all over

Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over all over

I lay quiet
waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose
and some things you just give away"
Scold me
Failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her pale
white skin that twisted and withered
away from me away from me

Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
and let them take somebody else
get away from me
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said Kill me faster
with Strawberry gashes
all over
All over me

Louis: Are you a duo?
Edna: theyve let me come in...ello, ello, ello, with me daughter in law
Louis: oh this is your daughter in law?
sharon: oh so you dont sing together?
Louis: and whos loraine?
Edna: THIS is loraine
Louis: oh ok...and why are you with her?
Edna: im JUST her mother in law
Sharon: oh ok...for support!
Edna: Yeees
Louis: is she any good?
Edna: well i think so!
Simon: ok just stand over there!
Louis: so loraine have you got the x factor?
Loraine: (coy smile) i have
Louis: and what are you going to sing?
Loraine: im going to sing begine the begine
Louis: off you go!

(loraine sings)

Simon: it was a bit lifeless! what did you think?
Edna: i liked it all!

Edna: he laffed and he shouldnt have laffed!

(edna cant contain her anger)
Simon: what have i done?
Edna: what have you done? go on! you laffed!
simon: i always laugh
Edna: no you dont! noooor noooor nooor you do not! you want to alter your ways! listen simon!
simon: this is embarasing
Edna: you fink your better than anybody...i fink you was very ignorant! yes you were ignorant simon
Simon: .........Sorry

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